Triepsyn
Jan-23rd-05, 4:45 pm
<center>Sex rules for men (READ THIS!!!!!) </center>
<center>This section is all for men with any amount of sexual experience. Men, if you follow these guidelines, you will not go wrong in bed, and you'll be known among the women as a real catch in the sack.</center>
NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
LICKING IN THE EAR. Do not stick your tongue in her ear. It sounds awful, feels like a slug just crawled in there, and smacks of wet willies. Pay attention to the edges and the lobes, avoid the aural canal. This is one spot you don't want to pretend to have full intercourse.
NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. You like us to shave, right? I will say that fuzzy beard is an acceptable substitute for smooth shaven.
SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Hooterville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So, start paying them some attention.
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers alongside of the clitoris.
STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. Either that or start gradually moving up, still paying attention to the nether regions with your hands, until you're in a position for intercourse. And wipe your face off!
UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her labia and yanking it back and forth is not.
BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is just plain absurd. Lose the socks before the pants!
GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool. She'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. Not only that but if you bang too hard you'll bruise the upper wall of the vagina and/or the cervix and/or an ovary with the head of your penis, which switches off any building climax faster than the speed of light.
COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. Amen! Not only that but sex with a grumbling tummy, dry mouth, nicotine fit, or full bladder is no fun for us. Take a break and let us take care of these things, and maybe join us and turn the break into something sexy without intercourse. Trust me, it's a turn-on and makes us want to fuck again very soon!
ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But, if you really don't know, don't ask. It makes us feel like there's a deadline.
PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. Lips, gentle teeth, and nose are all welcome at that party too.
NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. Yes, we love you even if we don't want it in our mouth--it's not primarily designed for the Upper Mouth.
MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. Hint: you are thrusting with your abdomen, we are using our abdomen, lower back, knees, thighs, butt, and all with our legs in a very awkward position. Half an hour at a time is more than long enough!
ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. Unless you LIKE women who wear diapers--anal sex without relaxing the sphincter muscle first will rip the muscle and cause her to lose her ability to hold it in until she reaches a toilet.
TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you? "she'll hear the words "to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Deep rectal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. [Shout your pleasure instead if you must shout. We like to know you like what's going on--Ob]
TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. Although coming is not always the end-all, be-all of sex with someone, finishing yourself off and quitting at that point is just not an option. We are not blow-up dolls.
SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. I really hate being a mattress. Nothing ruins the moment worse after it's over than gasping for air and struggling. Raise yourself on your elbows and knees, or slide down until you can rest your head on her chest. We need lots of oxygen afterward, you stud you. ;)
THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. Show your gratitude by inviting her into the shower and erotically cleaning her off from head to toe, and she'll generally want to do the same for you. It shows that you care enough about the body you just fucked to keep it in good order for next time.
Mate's adds: If you are into some of the things were called foul here then this is what you do. Ask her. If she is into it then all is well..If not then either adjust or move on...no harm,no foul.
<center>This section is all for men with any amount of sexual experience. Men, if you follow these guidelines, you will not go wrong in bed, and you'll be known among the women as a real catch in the sack.</center>
NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
LICKING IN THE EAR. Do not stick your tongue in her ear. It sounds awful, feels like a slug just crawled in there, and smacks of wet willies. Pay attention to the edges and the lobes, avoid the aural canal. This is one spot you don't want to pretend to have full intercourse.
NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. You like us to shave, right? I will say that fuzzy beard is an acceptable substitute for smooth shaven.
SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Hooterville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So, start paying them some attention.
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers alongside of the clitoris.
STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. Either that or start gradually moving up, still paying attention to the nether regions with your hands, until you're in a position for intercourse. And wipe your face off!
UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her labia and yanking it back and forth is not.
BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is just plain absurd. Lose the socks before the pants!
GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool. She'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. Not only that but if you bang too hard you'll bruise the upper wall of the vagina and/or the cervix and/or an ovary with the head of your penis, which switches off any building climax faster than the speed of light.
COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. Amen! Not only that but sex with a grumbling tummy, dry mouth, nicotine fit, or full bladder is no fun for us. Take a break and let us take care of these things, and maybe join us and turn the break into something sexy without intercourse. Trust me, it's a turn-on and makes us want to fuck again very soon!
ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But, if you really don't know, don't ask. It makes us feel like there's a deadline.
PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. Lips, gentle teeth, and nose are all welcome at that party too.
NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. Yes, we love you even if we don't want it in our mouth--it's not primarily designed for the Upper Mouth.
MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. Hint: you are thrusting with your abdomen, we are using our abdomen, lower back, knees, thighs, butt, and all with our legs in a very awkward position. Half an hour at a time is more than long enough!
ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. Unless you LIKE women who wear diapers--anal sex without relaxing the sphincter muscle first will rip the muscle and cause her to lose her ability to hold it in until she reaches a toilet.
TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you? "she'll hear the words "to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Deep rectal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. [Shout your pleasure instead if you must shout. We like to know you like what's going on--Ob]
TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. Although coming is not always the end-all, be-all of sex with someone, finishing yourself off and quitting at that point is just not an option. We are not blow-up dolls.
SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. I really hate being a mattress. Nothing ruins the moment worse after it's over than gasping for air and struggling. Raise yourself on your elbows and knees, or slide down until you can rest your head on her chest. We need lots of oxygen afterward, you stud you. ;)
THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. Show your gratitude by inviting her into the shower and erotically cleaning her off from head to toe, and she'll generally want to do the same for you. It shows that you care enough about the body you just fucked to keep it in good order for next time.
Mate's adds: If you are into some of the things were called foul here then this is what you do. Ask her. If she is into it then all is well..If not then either adjust or move on...no harm,no foul.